Not Even Human
by ilovemuffincakes
Summary: Rachel has been broken one too many times. Onesided Faberry. Pezberry/BrittBerry ?  friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** I know I _should_ be working on _Casey, Are You Doing Okay?_, but I keep getting hit with these awesome ideas and they just _have_ to be written…But anyway, this is gonna be pretty angsty and I haven't really written angst before, so bear with me if you could. **The song is** **Angel Taylor's Not Even Human**. I suggest you listen to it because it's a beautiful song. And really sad.

It's gonna be in Rachel's POV, by the way. I like writing using the words 'I' and 'me' because I can try and become the character I'm writing. (I should be an actress; I bet I'd be good at it.)

* * *

The cold look in her eyes each time she tells me she wants nothing to do with me makes me want to die.

But what makes it worse is that the very next day, without fail, she'll be on my doorstep or at my locker with an apology and endless '_I love you_'s. It always ends the same; she begs for forgiveness, says she didn't mean it, and I give her what she wants. I give her my heart again with the hope that she _won't_ toss it carelessly under the wheels of another freight train.

This sick routine we've established occurs at least once or twice a week, which is why I find myself sitting on the piano bench after _yet another_ break-up. My fingers are ghosting across the keys as I mentally scan my repertoire of music, searching for the perfect piece that would fit this moment. Tears are collecting in my eyes and flowing freely down my face, but I really can't find it in me to care. My fingers begin to play on their own, and I sing along to the familiar song.

_I have been taken before_

_You're not the first to rob me  
Of my peace and my sanity_

_You've taken all my peace and my sanity_

Quinn Fabray is under no circumstances the first person to hurt me. In fact, everyone I have ever known has hurt me deeply at some point. Finn lied to me, the entire Glee club constantly speak rudely of me, my fathers forgot my birthday last year and left me home alone while they went on a lovely cruise together, my mother didn't want me.

However, she _is_ the first to hurt me this way. The first to make me feel as if my entire world could be ripped away at any moment, and I never know if it will be pieced together again or if I will be forced to live the rest of my life as the empty shell of a human being that I become each time she leaves me.

_You must have been kidding with that whole romantic love spell _

_Or maybe I just didn't hear you right  
You run over my heart and then ask for it back_

_You must think that that's alright  
Well it's not alright_

Will I ever have the strength to tell her what she's doing to me _isn't_ okay? Will there ever come a day when I _don't_ give her back my heart after she's torn it to shreds?

Does she _really_ even love me?

_But you're not even human_

_You're just a lovely idea of one  
Who I accidentally loved_

_And gave everything to become _

_The girl on the piano bench _

_Singing all of her tears away_

I continually give all of myself to that girl and she continually returns my undying love with harsh words and heartbreak. It's almost as if she has no heart at all. Honestly, how could you _knowingly_ and _willingly_ cause such pain to the person you supposedly love without feeling _even a hint _of remorse?

And now I'm here in the choir room with tears streaming down my face, bitter lyrics spilling from my lips.

_So did you feel sorry for me _

_Or was I just some charity case that you thought you could save  
Well I was better off not ever knowing your name_

_I was so much better off_

I wish for things all the time. I wish my fathers had picked a different small town to call home. I wish I'd never been slushied, picked on, and put down. I wish I had a real friend. I wish I'd never been born.

But more than anything, I wish I'd never met Quinn Fabray.

'_Cause you're not even human_

_You're just a lovely idea of one  
Who I accidentally loved_

_And gave everything to become _

_The girl on the piano bench _

_Singing all of her tears away_

She ruined everything. My hopes, my dreams, my _life_, destroyed. It's all I can do to cling desperately to this fake and abusive relationship. I'm _far_ beyond in love with her and she doesn't care _at all _about me. With_out_ her I'm nothing, but _with_ her I'm dying. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Love shouldn't hurt like this.

I faintly hear the sound of the door clicking shut, but I brush it off. My mind is much too engulfed in the music flowing from my lips and my fingers to pay attention to the world around me.

_All of her tears_

_All of her tears_

_Away_

A quiet sob escapes my lips before I can stop it. _This wasn't supposed to be like this._

'_Cause you're not even human_

_No, you're just a lovely idea of one  
Who I accidentally loved_

_And gave everything to become _

_The girl on the piano bench _

_Singing all of her tears away_

_All of her tears_

_All of her tears_

_Away_

I hold the final note for a few seconds before I completely break down, and to my surprise, I feel two pairs of slender arms wrap around me. However, rather than questioning them, or even finding out who they are, I simply let the two hold me as my body is wracked with heartbreaking, gut-wrenching sobs.

It isn't until a few minutes pass and I hear murmurs of '_it's okay_' and '_we got you_' that I realize that my saviors are Santana and Brittany. I'd recognize those voices anywhere. I find it rather strange that they are here comforting me and not out congratulating Quinn on destroying me. Well, Santana, anyway. Brittany is a lot nicer than her darker-skinned counterpart. Nevertheless, my sobs don't subside for another 10 minutes or so.

When I finally calm down, the two Cheerios pull back and to my surprise, they are sporting matching looks of concern.

"Are you okay, Rach?" Brittany asks. Santana is asking me the same question with her eyes.

I start to nod, but realize that I've got nothing else to lose and shake my head.

"It's Quinn, isn't it?" she asks, in that child-like, all-knowing voice. _I wonder how she manages to sound so innocent and yet so mature at the same time._

I nod and see an angry glint in Santana's eye.

She moves to stand, presumably to find Quinn, but I reach a hand out and grasp her wrist tightly to prevent her from getting too far.

She raises an eyebrow in question and I give her a pleading look. "Stay." I wince at the hoarseness of my voice but can't resist adding, "Please."

She nods and sits beside me. Her arm hesitantly wraps around my shoulders and I melt into her embrace, wrapping my arms around her torso. I shut my eyes tightly.

We sit like that for a while, until Santana gently suggests we all go to my house. When I try to protest, to tell them I'll be fine on my own, Brittany shoots me a glare and says sternly, "There is no way we're leaving you alone like this, Rachel. You'll kill yourself." Any argument I had prepared dies right there with that last statement because I know she's probably right. So I get into the backseat of her car, Santana sliding in next to me and holding me, and we drive off the school campus.

* * *

Upon arriving at my house, the uncharacteristically tender Latina ushers me out of the car and up to my front door, where I fumble with my keys. I can't seem to get the damn key to go into the lock because my hands are shaking so badly. Finally, Brittany pries them from my hand and unlocks the door herself. She grabs my hand and pulls me inside, Santana following close behind.

"Where's your room?"

I nod toward the stairs and the blonde girl drags me in their direction. When we get upstairs I see a small smile grace her features as she sees the gold star on my door.

When we enter my room, Brittany sits on my bed and then gently tugs on my hand, staring at me expectantly. Rather than sitting beside her, I crawl up to lay my head on the pillows and stretch my small body down the middle of the bed. The blonde smiles at me and lays herself down on my left. I curl into her side and feel one of her arms wrap around my shoulder and the other hand lacing our fingers together. I can't help but smile.

I feel the bed dip behind me and then warmth on my back, indicating that Santana is behind me, and my smile grows when she wraps her arms around my waist. But I can't help but be curious as to why they suddenly seem to care about me.

"Not to be rude, but why are you being so nice to me? I thought you _hated_ me. I thought you would have _enjoyed_ seeing Quinn break me." My voice sounds so small and broken and _I hate it._

A sigh comes from behind me. "We don't hate you. Well, I mean, we _did_, but that was before you started dating Q. Back when you would fight for solos and make comments about how much better you were than all of us. Back when you had dreams that were taking you places while we all were going nowhere." I open my mouth to protest, because most of the Glee clubbers are _definitely_ going places, but she continues. "When you started dating Q, you changed. You got all quiet and depressed and you let her fucking ruin you. Ruin your hopes, your dreams, everything. You turned into this-this-this lifeless _zombie_ and you just gave up. And yeah, the first few times I high-fived her, but after a while I started to _hate_ her. I hate what she's done to you, Rach. You don't deserve that. _No one_ does." Tears spring to my eyes because that is by far the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. But she's obviously not finished. "We're gonna do whatever it takes to protect you from her. No one else seems to have the stones to stick up for you, which is fucking ridiculous because you'd do anything for us, but we're going to be here for you. Whenever you need us. Okay?"

I want to say '_okay'_ , I really do, but when I open my mouth to say it, a strangled sob escapes instead and I feel three arms tighten their hold on my frame as I cry once more.

We stay in bed for about 4 hours before there is a knock on the door. Brittany and Santana glance at each other, already guessing who it is, and then we all three make our way down the stairs and to the front door. Santana opens it and snarls when she sees Quinn standing there with a rose in her hand. I even hear Brittany growl from above me and tighten her arms around my shoulders.

"What do you want, Fabray?"

Quinn looks adorably puzzled for a moment, but her confusion quickly morphs into anger. "What are you doing here?" she peers around Santana to look at me. "Rach, what are they doing here?"

The Latina steps in front of her, obstructing her view of me. "We're picking up the pieces. Treating Rachel with respect. Comforting her. Building her up. All the things your heartless ass won't do."

The ex-cheerleader rolls her eyes. "Whatever. I do all of those things. Don't I, baby?" Our eyes connect for a second and she uses that second to flash me a deceptively sweet and loving smile. I'm compelled to say yes, and it takes everything in me _not_ to.

"You don't _get_ to call her baby anymore. You know what? You don't get to _talk_ to her anymore. We're _not_ going to let you hurt her again. She doesn't deserve it. She's _in love with you_, you fucking heartless bitch, and you only pretend to care about her whenever it's convenient for you and then just tear her apart when it isn't. Well that shit's not gonna fly anymore. I don't care if I have to kick your ass to keep you away, I'll fucking do it. I'll fucking kill you if you even _look_ at her funny, you got that?" Santana growls, and my heart (or what's left of it, anyway) swells just a little. It's nice to have someone who cares and sticks up for you for once.

Quinn looks at Brittany for assistance, her eyes pleading with her fellow blonde. "Britt?"

The blonde in question shakes her head before replying angrily, "_No_, Quinn. Rachel has done nothing but love you and care about you and all you do is be mean to her. I'm sick of watching her cry over you. You're not worth it. You've never really been nice to anyone. I mean, yeah, San is mean to people, but at least she _knows_ that she's mean. You act like you don't even _know_ you're a bitch and it's stupid. No wonder you don't have any real friends. You're like a robot." Quinn's mouth flaps open and closed several times. No one has ever heard Brittany get this angry with someone. She's usually all rainbows and sunshine and puppies. It's quite surprising to hear the rage in her voice.

Finally, she gathers herself and speaks again. "Rach, just let me-"

But Santana interrupts, her voice dangerously low and dripping with barely concealed fury. "You better get the _fuck_ out of here right now if you know what's good for you, Juno." Her fists are clenched at her sides and she's poised for an attack.

The blonde girl on my doorstep looks between the three of us and then scoffs. "Whatever. I don't need this. Have a nice life, losers." She starts to walk away but stops halfway down the walkway and turns her head to the side. "Oh, and Rach?" she pauses for a few moments for effect. _God, and everyone says_ I'm _the drama queen._ "San and B are right. I never loved you. I just wanted to break you because I was bored and it sounded like fun. And it _totally_ fucking worked."

Angry tears well up in my eyes. Santana starts toward the blonde on the walkway, who's smirking triumphantly, but I race past her and come face to face with the one person who has always held my heart in her hands. "You're sick, Quinn Fabray. I want you to stay away from me, do you hear me? I don't want to see you at my house, I don't want to see you in school, I don't want to see you in Glee. You've broken me for the last time. Now kindly _get the fuck out of here_ before I call the police."

To my chagrin, she merely rolls her eyes and walks away. I was kind of hoping for a fight. I was prepared for that. I wasn't prepared to be blown off completely. That stung more than I'd care to admit.

As soon as her car disappears down the street I collapse in a mess of tears and screams. My two self-appointed guardians are kneeling beside me in an instant, wiping my tears away and holding me tightly and assuring me that everything will be alright. I tell myself I believe them.

But at school the next day, seeing _my_ (she's not mine anymore…though, to be quite honest, she really never was) Quinn hanging all over Finn simply because she knows it'll hurt me (and I can tell because every time she sees me in the hallways or in class, she shoots me this devilish smirk and then kisses him or flirts with him), I know that that is simply not the case. I'll always be in love with her, and she'll always be incapable of feeling.

Quinn Fabray has broken me, and I can never be repaired.

* * *

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Cookies? Leave them in a review. It would be much appreciated, I assure you.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Kay, I got a request for a follow up to this from **cappsy** and then an idea popped into my head for said follow up, so here you go. Hope it lives up to your expectations. :]

* * *

It's been two weeks since Quinn left me. _Actually_ left me. Brittany and Santana won't let me be alone at all, _ever_, because they're afraid I'll commit suicide. Not that their assumptions are incorrect, but I would just…I would like some time alone to think without either of them trying to cheer me up.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate what they're doing. It's nice to have people who genuinely care about me. However, like I have previously stated, it gets on my nerves when they refuse to let me do simple things, like _using the restroom_, without an escort. What could I _possibly_ do in the school bathroom? Drown myself in the toilet? _For fucks sake_, if I was going to kill myself don't you think I would be a _little_ more dramatic about it? This is _me_, after all.

Although drowning myself in a toilet in a school restroom _would_ be rather dramatic. I'll have to take that into consideration if I should ever feel the need to, as Santana so _sensitively_ puts it, "off myself."

I suddenly feel a poke in my side and turn to face the worried-looking Latina doing my homework. Brittany left a few hours ago (something about her cat reading her diary – I didn't ask, it _is_ Brittany, after all), so it's just me and Santana. I've been staring at my ceiling since we arrived at my house and she's been working. She refuses to let me fail any of my classes, but I refuse to do any of my work, so she has taken it upon herself to do it for me.

Before Quinn happened, I would've been completely mind-fucked by how gentle and kind and generally caring she has been toward me. Now, though, it doesn't even phase me. Nothing does. I'm a zombie. Just like _she_ wanted.

"Hey shorty, whatcha thinkin' 'bout?" she asks me, slightly cocking her head to the side. _Wow, she's beautiful. How have I never noticed that before?_

"Do you think I'm pretty, San?"

The question catches her off guard and she stares at me for a few moments before responding. "Well, yeah, of course I do…I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I've checked you out more than once…You're beautiful, shorty." She finishes with a soft smile. "Why do you ask?" I don't reply, choosing instead to stare intently at her. "What?" I still don't say anything though, and her expression shifts into anxious confusion." Do I have something on my face? Oh God, I do, don't I? Where is it? _What_ is it? Rachel?" I lean in closer to her until our faces are mere centimeters apart, and her breathing picks up considerably. "R-Rachel, what are you-" and then I kiss her.

She doesn't respond at first, but eventually she returns the kiss. When air becomes an issue, we both pull away. The puzzled look on her face tells me that I have some explaining to do. "I'm sorry, I just…I want to _feel_ something. I-I haven't been able to feel _anything_ since…since…" I shift my gaze to the sheets in between us, but it doesn't stay there for long because she raises my chin with her index finger.

"Hey. It's okay. Honestly." She gives me a small, reassuring smile. "I love you, shorty, and if this" she gestures between the two of us "is what you need, then I'll do it. I'll do anything to see you happy again."

_Fucking hell, why is she so sweet?_ "I love you too, San." I can feel the tears well up in my eyes and I hate crying like nothing else, but apparently the universe holds no regards to my wishes (as seen with the heartless girlfriend who practically killed me) and soon I taste the salty liquid on my lips. Santana, being the amazing person she is, wraps me in her arms, murmurs "don't cry, shorty" and kisses the top of my head, which, of course, only makes me cry harder. _Seriously, why do people tell you not to cry when you're _already_ crying? How does _that_ make sense?_

Eventually my sobs subside, though, and I look up at her with empty eyes that make her own eyes water and whisper, "Touch me, San." She swallows hard and nods, shifting slightly to capture my lips. Her tears finally begin to flow freely down her face and mix with mine as our bodies slide against each other.

* * *

At school the following day, Santana holds my hand. In classes we share, in between classes, and at lunch. She kisses my cheek whenever we part ways, hugs me longer than necessary, and sends me sweet little texts in classes we don't have together.

I wish I could say it made me happy, I really do. I wish I could fall in love with her like I did with Quinn – she'd certainly be more worthy of my affections – but I just can't.

And in Glee today, I have a song to perform. Something I haven't done in a while. Santana shoots me a questioning glance but I calm her worry with a soft smile directed at her. I can tell that everyone thinks there's something going on between us because they're all scrutinizing everything we do, but I don't feel like stopping the rumors and neither does she. _At least Finn will leave me alone since he doesn't seem to realize that two weeks isn't long enough to get over your _first_ – and probably _only_ – love._

"Hey guys. I know it's been a while since I've performed in here-" I hear various clubbers' snide remarks about how the silence on my part was nice, but Santana effectively shuts them all up with an angry glare "-but I need to do this. Please refrain from mocking me. I'm not in the mood to deal with all of your bullshit." Appalled glances are shared, and a hollow smirk forms on my face. _Oh yeah, Rachel Berry just cursed. What now, bitches?_ I nod at the Jazz band and Brad, who both begin to play.

_You and I walk a fragile line  
I have known it all this time  
but I never thought I'd live to see it break  
It's getting dark and it's all too quiet  
And I can't trust anything now  
And it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake_

Quinn's just sitting there with a smug smile on her face and a perfectly sculpted eyebrow raised into her hairline. She's got one of Sam's hands in her lap and she's playing with it absently, like she used to do with _my_ hands when we would watch hours upon hours of Law & Order.

Brittany and Santana are worriedly biting their lips and watching me carefully for signs of a breakdown.

Finn is looking at me like I just kicked his puppy.

Everyone else looks relatively unimpressed.

_Oh, I'm holding my breath  
Won't lose you again  
something's made your eyes go cold_

I met Quinn's cold gaze head on and continue to sing.

_Come on, come on, don't leave me like this  
I thought I had you figured out  
Something's gone terribly wrong  
You're all I wanted  
Come on, come on, don't leave me like this  
I thought I had you figured out  
Can't breathe whenever you're gone  
Can't turn back now, I'm haunted_

I'm pleading with her to take me back. I need her, damn it. I don't care how she treats me, I just want my Quinn back.

_Stood there and watched you walk away  
From everything we had  
But I still mean every word I said to you  
She would try to take away my pain  
And she just might make me smile  
But the whole time I'm wishing she was you instead_

I can practically feel the hurt radiating from Santana and it makes me hate myself even more. I hate myself for needing Quinn. I hate myself for using and hurting Santana. I just hate myself in general, really.

_Oh, I'm holding my breath  
Won't see you again  
something keeps me holding on to nothing_

I'm holding on to a relationship built on lies. How ridiculous is that?

Santana offers me love, _real_ love, and I can't accept it because I refuse to let go of Quinn.

I'm _such_ a masochist.

_Come on, come on, don't leave me like this  
I thought I had you figured out  
Something's gone terribly wrong  
You're all I wanted  
Come on, come on, don't leave me like this  
I thought I had you figured out  
Can't breathe whenever you're gone  
Can't turn back now, I'm haunted_

Even after all that yelling at her and telling her I don't want to see her again, after telling her she's broken me for the last time, after all the _shit_ I've gone through because of _her_, I _still_ can't live without her. She's all I've ever wanted. All I'll ever want.

_I know, I know, I just know  
You're not gone, you can't be gone, no_

She _has_ to have had _some_ feelings for me, right? She couldn't be _that_ callous, could she?

_Could_ she?

_Come on, come on, don't leave me like this  
I thought I had you figured out  
Something's gone terribly wrong  
Won't finish what you started  
Come on, come on, don't leave me like this  
I thought I had you figured out  
Can't breathe whenever you're gone  
Can't go back, I'm haunted_

By this time I'm crying so hard I can hardly sing through the lump in my throat, but I keep pushing forward. I can just barely make out the blurred forms of Santana and Brittany looking as tense as ever, ready to leap to my aid as soon as I finish my song. _I don't deserve them._

_You and I walk a fragile line  
I have known it all this time  
Never ever thought I'd see it break  
Never thought I'd see it_

And cue the epic breakdown.

The rest of the Glee club watches, bewildered, as my Cheerios (yes, _my_ Cheerios) catch me before I fall and then lead me out of the room. They quickly guide me through the hallways and to the parking lot, which is good because I have lost my abilities to see and walk straight due to all the crying. We locate and enter Brittany's car and she drives us to my house, Santana once again shielding me from the outside world.

When we arrive, Brittany takes the key from my backpack and opens the door while Santana helps me out of the car. We go up to my room, as per usual, and all three of us collapse on my bed in a heap of exhaustion, worry, and tears. Our bodies our intertwined with each other to the point where, if it weren't for the difference in skin tones, no one would be able to tell which legs belonged to which girl. As depressed and broken and lost as I am feeling at this moment, I can't help but to feel loved, too. These two girls sprawled out on my bed and whispering sweet nothings in my ear care about me more than _anyone_ has _ever_ cared about me. It feels nice to have somebody to lean on.

But I'm still a complete wreck. Nothing will change that.

"Shorty?" I hear from my left side. I don't answer. "Look, Rach, I know it's bad right now, but it'll get better. You'll move on and fall in love with someone else, someone _better_, and she'll be nothing but a bitter memory. I _know_ you know deep down that she doesn't love you, but you're telling yourself she does because you still love her. I understand, _believe me_." I can feel Brittany shift uncomfortably at this point, and I know Santana's talking about her. "But you have to give it up and move on or you're going to kill yourself. And you-you can't _do_ that, shorty. I won't let you." When I hear her voice tremble I grip her waist tightly as more tears spill out before I can stop them. "What you did in Glee was just what she wanted you to do. She _wants_ you to be like this, Rach. She _wants_ you to feel like you can't live without her. She's _loving_ the fact that you're such a fucking wreck when she's gone. Don't let her win, Rach. _Please_. For me. For Britt. For _you_. _Don't let her win_."

Eventually, the three of us fall asleep, dreaming of better days.

* * *

I bolt upright and my eyes dart wildly around the room, searching for signs of a certain blonde beauty. It takes me a while to realize that it was only a dream, but when I do, I _really_ wish I hadn't.

Everything had been so _perfect_. Quinn and I were dating and she was the best girlfriend in the _history_ of awesome girlfriends. We were happy and in love and ready to take on the fucking _world_ together.

But, like I said, it was a dream. An evil, fucked up dream. Not only does Quinn invade my mind when I am conscious, but now she also does so when I am unconscious. _Fucking awesome._

I feel moisture hit my legs and realize that I'm crying. _Again_. Seriously, how the _hell_ can my _small body_ hold _so many_ tears?

I carefully disentangle myself from the Cheerios on my bed and glance at the clock. _7:30_. Great. My dads will be home soon.

Stealthily, I make my way to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind me. I sit on the edge of the tub for a while before deciding to take a bath. I slowly turn the knob (it's squeaky as hell if you turn it too fast) and allow the water to heat up before plugging the drain. Grabbing a razor blade and balancing it gingerly on the edge of the tub, I strip quickly and allow myself to settle into the still flowing water. It's scalding hot, but I don't pay attention. I've only got one thing on my mind.

I'm all alone in here.

There are probably a million ways to kill yourself in the bathroom.

I lean over the side of the tub and dig in the pocket of my sweats for my phone (haven't worn a skirt in weeks – who the hell _am_ I anymore?). Once my fingers graze the screen, I envelop it in my hand and pull it out with a triumphant smile. I turn the water off, figuring that there's plenty of water in here now, and sit back, scrolling through my contacts. When I find the name I'm looking for I press send.

It rings twice before going to voicemail. _She's ignoring me_.

"Hey, it's Quinn. Either I'm asleep or ignoring you. Leave a message; I might call you back. Laters!" as soon as the beep sounds, I start to sing quietly.

_Easy come, easy go that's just how you live  
Oh take, take, take it all but you never give  
Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss  
Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?_

Come to think of it, her eyes _were_ open when we kissed for the first time. And every time after that. How did I not see that before? Was I really _that_ blindly in love?

_Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash  
Tossed it in the trash, you did  
To give me all your love is all I ever asked  
'Cause what you don't understand is_

Y'know, I gave her all of me and she just tossed me aside like I was worthless. I meant _nothing_ to her, but she meant _everything_ to me. All I wanted was love. That's _all_ I wanted. She couldn't even give me that.

_I'd catch a grenade for you  
Throw my hand on a blade for you  
I'd jump in front of a train for you  
You know I'd do anything for you  
Oh, I would go through all this pain  
Take a bullet straight through my brain  
Yes, I would die for you, baby  
But you won't do the same_

No, no, no, no

I hear a beep that indicates my voicemail has gone on too long and it cut me off. I press the redial button, tears now streaming down my face (shocker). Hearing Quinn's voice almost makes me lose it completely, but seeing as this is my final performance, I _have_ to finish. This has to be _epic_. She _has_ to feel like shit once she knows that I killed myself because of her.

Right?

_Beep_. Here we go again.

_Black, black, black and blue  
Beat me 'til I'm numb  
Tell the devil I said "Hey" when you get back to where you're from  
Mad woman, bad woman  
That's just what you are  
Yeah, you'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car_

I bet she _would_ do that. Rip the brakes out of my car and smile fiendishly as I try to stop and realize I can't and fly through an intersection and another car slams into me and I die right there.

She'd probably enjoy that. Crazy bitch.

Beautiful, funny, _smart_ crazy bitch.

_Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash  
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did  
To give me all your love is all I ever asked  
Cause what you don't understand is_

I swear to freaking _God_ that I could fill this bathtub with my tears right now. What the _fuck_, why can't I stop crying? This is _important_. I _need_ her to hear this. To be able to fucking _understand_ it, which she won't be able to do if I'm blubbering like a goddamned _whale_.

This is mortifying.

_I'd catch a grenade for you  
Throw my hand on a blade for you  
I'd jump in front of a train for you  
You know I'd do anything for you  
I would go through all this pain  
Take a bullet straight through my brain  
Yes, I would die for you, baby  
But you won't do the same_

_Beep. _God damn it! It's _far_ less dramatic when the stupid voicemail machine keeps cutting me off _mid-song_.

So I redial. Again. Hear her voice. Choke back a sob. _Beep_. Thank _God_.

_If my body was on fire  
You would watch me burn down in flames  
You said you loved me, you're a liar  
Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby_

She never loved me. She'd be happy to see me die. She'll probably throw a party at my funeral.

Well ain't that a bitch.

_But darling, I'd still catch a grenade for you  
Throw my hand on a blade for you  
I'd jump in front of a train for you  
You know I'd do anything for you  
Ooh I would go through all this pain  
Take a bullet straight through my brain  
Yes, I would die for you, baby  
But you won't do the same_

_No, you won't do the same  
You wouldn't do the same  
Ooh, you'd never do the same  
Ooh, no, no, no_

I sob once, just once, into the receiver and then say, "Quinn. Quinn, I love you. I'll always love you. When you left me and said you never loved me, I wanted to die. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to kill myself, Quinn. This is goodbye. I love you. Forever and always." _Click_.

I dial Santana's number since I know her phone is off and wait for it to go straight to voicemail. "Santana. I-I love you and I'm so, _so_ sorry for doing this to you. You and Brittany have done an impeccable job of being my friends. I have never had anyone care so much about me and it meant more to me than you'll ever know. I'm not doing this because of you, so don't you _dare_ think that. I just can't live like this anymore, San. I can't do it. It hurts too much. Please tell Brittany I love her and that it's not her fault. Goodbye." _Click_.

I reach blindly for the razor blade and clutch it in my right hand, hovering shakily over my left arm.

"Rachel?" Santana's sleepy voice calls out. _Fuck!_

I press the blade hard into my skin at the wrist and pull it through to my elbow. The sheer pain this action brings causes me to gasp in pain, and Santana's voice rings out again, this time clearer, more alert. I cut a few more lines into my left arm. "Rachel? Rachel, what are you doing in there?" I hear the doorknob rattle. "Rachel, open the door. Open the fucking door _right now_!" her voice sounds muffled through the door, but I can still hear the panic in it. I take the blade in my left hand and cut my right arm as well. The blade slips from my fingers as I sink into the water that is now tainted with blood. I begin to feel dizzy and tired, so I let my eyes close. I know that I'm near the end. I hear banging on the door and Santana's and now Brittany's frantic screaming.

My ears are ringing. Should my ears be ringing? It sounds like I'm underwater. Weird. _Bang! Bang! Crash!_

The last thing I see before I black out is the tear-streaked faces of my best friends.

* * *

I open my eyes to a freakishly bright light shining directly in my face. I have to blink several times before my eyes finally adjust and I can actually see. And what I see surprises me.

I'm in a hospital room. I was supposed to die and I'm in a _hospital room_.

Either heaven is a fucked up place or I'm not dead.

"Rach! Thank God you're awake!" comes the relieved cry from a voice that sounds all too familiar.

Guess it's the second one, then.

I look around to find Brittany on my right side and Santana on my left, each desperately clutching one of my two look positively heartbroken.

I try to talk to them, but my throat is quite literally on _fire_. I finally manage to croak out "water" and Brittany hesitates for only a moment before heading to the faucet in the corner to get a cupful, which she quickly brings back. As soon as I finish drinking it, she takes the cup and sets it on the nightstand next to the bed and relinquishes her place next to me.

"So…I'm not dead, am I?" _Wow. Way to be tactless, moron._

At those words, the normal little bubble that surrounds us is broken and both of their faces twist into looks of pure rage. I wince.

"That's all you have to say?" Santana whispers dangerously. "You just tried to _kill_ yourself and _that's all you have to say_?" her voice shakes as it gets louder and I can see the tears building up in her eyes. "How could you _do_ that to me, Rach? To _us_?" and then she gets so overcome with emotion that she can't even speak anymore.

Brittany, however, picks up where she left off. "We've been beside you through this whole thing, Rach. We spent _so_ many hours lying in your bed together just listening to you cry. Do you have _any_ idea how hard that was for us? We hated seeing you like that. And then you were just a-a zombie. You didn't _do_ anything. We were so worried about you all the time. And then San told me she liked you" Santana and I's breaths catch in our throats at that particular statement "and I thought that maybe she could make you happy again but you did _this_ instead. Why would you do that, Rach? We love you. You're a part of our little family and no one has _ever_ done that before. Do you know what we would've done if you _had_ died? We would-I don't even-I don't even _know_ what we'd do." And then she breaks down too.

I feel like the shittiest person in the world for making these two girls cry. They've been nothing but good to me at a time when I needed it most and how do I repay them? By attempting suicide.

What the hell is wrong with me?

"Have-" I start, causing both girls look up at me. "Have you-have you checked your phone, San?"

Her face scrunches up in confusion. "N-no, we used B's phone to contact everybody since it was already on…Mine's still at your place. Why?"

I sigh and look at me fingers, an embarrassed blush coloring my cheeks. "I…"

Her eyes widen as realization hits her. "You-you left me a _text_?" she asks incredulously. I shake my head. "A _voicemail_?" I nod almost imperceptibly. She grows angry. "You were just going to leave me with a voicemail? For what? To make me _feel_ better? Did you _really_ think that would do _anything_ to relieve the pain you would've caused me? God, Rachel, are you really _that_ stupid?" She runs a shaky hand through her messy hair.

"I'm _sorry_, San. I didn't-I wasn't thinking. I had had a dream about Quinn and she was _so_ amazing in it and when I woke up and remembered that she wasn't really like that I lost it. I'm _so_ sorry, guys. I never meant to hurt you, I swear. I'm so _unbelievably_ sorry. Can you ever forgive me?" I sob, covering my face with my hands.

Brittany sighs and says wearily, "Of course we forgive you. Just-Just don't _ever_ scare us like that again. We _can't_ lose you, Rach. We just-we can't. Okay?"

"Okay. Okay." I oblige with a few vigorous nods.

Her intense gaze burns through my eyes. "No. Not _just_ okay. You have to _promise_, Rach. Promise me, promise San, promise yourself."

I immediately respond with "I promise, Britt."

She nods once. "Okay. Now promise San."

I look to Santana. She glares back. "I-I promise, San." She doesn't respond.

"Good. Now promise yourself." I stare blankly at Brittany. She narrows her eyes back at me. "You heard me. _Do it_."

I swallow thickly. "O-okay. I, Rachel Barbra Berry, promise never to harm myself in any way. For my two best friends, and for myself." This earns me a bright smile and hug from my blonde friend. Santana, however, isn't as quick to believe my promises.

She crosses her arms and narrows her eyes at me. "How do we know you'll never try anything? Everyone breaks promises, Berry. Quite frankly I'm not sure I believe you. If you'd do it once, who's to say you won't do it again?"

Hearing her call me Berry stings a little bit. We'd gotten past that a couple weeks ago. I'm not as used to it as I once was. We watch each other for a few moments until I point at her and crook my finger, signaling for her to come closer. She raises her eyebrow, but complies with my request and leans closer to me. I roll my eyes and gesture at her again because _God damn it she's not close enough yet! _Her eyebrow shoots up into her hairline and she doesn't move, so I do it again. A frustrated sigh escapes her lips and she leans over me, placing her hands on the bed on either side of my head to support her weight. "What, Rachel?"

I fist my hands in her jacket and pull her closer to press my lips to hers. She's surprised at first, but responds quickly enough.

We kiss for what feels like forever and only break apart when our lungs are burning from lack of oxygen. My eyes open, only to be met with Santana's closed ones. I giggle softly at her and the corners of her mouth quirk upwards.

When her eyes finally open, she's full out grinning. I bite my lip as she asks, "What…What was that for?"

"To _show_ you that I'm not lying. I will _never_ do that to you guys again. I will never do that to you again. Truth be told, Santana, I've grown quite fond of you of late."

Santana's eyes are practically shining with happiness and she's sporting _the_ most adorable lopsided grin _ever_. "You have?"

"Yeah. I mean, I've kind of _always_ had a crush on you, because _no one _can deny that you're freaking _beautiful_-" she looks kind of skeptical when I call her beautiful. "Don't look at me like that, Santana Lopez. You _are_. Anyway, lately you've been so…so…so _amazing_ and I couldn't help developing feelings for you. I really couldn't." I'm pretty sure that grin she's wearing is _this_ close to eating her face. Seriously.

She beams at me for quite a few minutes.

Finally, she looks down for a moment before focusing back on me looking fairly apprehensive. "S-so…Do you, like, wanna be my girlfriend or something?" she asks nervously.

I smile gently at her and cup her cheek. She unconsciously leans into my touch. "While I would absolutely love to be your girlfriend, I don't think now is the best time for us to start a relationship. I only recently got out of a very destructive relationship and I don't want that to jeopardize our chances at a future. You understand what I'm saying, right San?"

She swallows hard before nodding vigorously with a sad smile on her face. "Y-yeah. I understand. Don't sweat it, shorty."

I sigh. "San, at the risk of sounding terribly cliché, it's not you, it's me. I have some stuff I need to sort through before I can give myself to you fully. You deserve all of me, Santana, and I refuse to give you anything less that you deserve. I need to get over Quinn, first and foremost, and being with you now might seem more like a rebound than anything else. I love you, San, and I don't want to end up hurting you because I haven't dealt with my demons. Okay?"

A single tear traces its way down her cheek as she smiles at me, broader and happier this time. "Okay. And I'll be with you every step of the way, okay? That's a promise, shorty." She pecks my lips lightly.

"Yay! Now you _and_ San can be happy! This is so awesome!" Brittany exclaims, clapping her hands together excitedly. _Oh. Hi there, Brittany._

We had completely forgotten she was here too. Matching blushes stain our cheeks and she merely giggles at us.

Santana groans and rests her head on my chest, making me join Brittany in a fit of giggles. I wrap my arms around her head and hug her tightly to my chest as we laugh at her expense.

_With the help of these two amazing girls, I'll be better in no time at all._

* * *

**A/N #2:** Damn it. I couldn't resist adding a happy ending.

The songs are **Haunted by Taylor Swift** and **Grenade by Bruno Mars**.

Love it? Hate it? Don't really care either way? Leave a review and tell me! :D


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